Saving Severus
by dragonwriter24cmf
Summary: The night Lily Potter escorted her son to his death was the night she decided to go back. Back in time to her teenage self. Her mission, to save the boy who was once her best friend. And in doing so, hopefully save them all
1. Chapter 1: 15 Going on 30

**Saving Severus**

 **Chapter One: Fifteen Going on Thirty**

Lily Evans shot upright in bed, heart pounding. Her nightdress was soaked with sweat, her breath coming in ragged gasps. So real...it had all seemed so real.

Something shifted against her chest, something heavier than the thin cotton nightclothes she wore. Lily lifted a hand. A thin chain hung around her throat. She followed it down to a ring, hanging from the end. Something tightened in her stomach. With a jolt, she shoved her feet free of her blankets and into her slippers, then staggered towards the washroom of her Prefect rooms.

She shot a Lumos for the lights with absent-minded precision, then stumbled over to the mirror, gathering her long red hair in a clumsy tail as she did so.

The face in the mirror was that of a girl of fifteen, fresh-faced with a hint of freckles across her nose and cheeks. But her eyes...her eyes were older. And at her throat dangled a ring.

She knew what it looked like, even as she lifted it with a trembling hand to the light. Silver, with a small emerald stone in the very center, surrounded by a Celtic eternity knot. An emerald stone that flashed with glowing fire at it's center, like the heart of a star captured in stone. A magical talisman, given to remind her of her resolve and aid her in her task.

Lily sagged against the sink. It was real, it was all real. Everything from the horrible nightmare that had woken her...it wasn't a dream, but a memory.

A memory of a time yet to come. A time where she had finished Hogwarts as Head Girl, then grown up. Where she had married – actually married – James Potter. Where she had borne a son, a son with his black hair and her green eyes.

A future where she had been targeted by Voldemort, the Dark Lord, for the sake of a prophecy. Where she and James had been betrayed by Peter Pettigrew and killed, Sirius Black had been wrongfully sentenced to Azkaban, and her son had been left with the sister who had all but disowned her over magic.

A future where her son had been the target of the Dark Lord from infancy on, hunted every time he set foot in the magical world, alternately hailed as a Savior and persecuted as a liar and a coward.

A future where all her closest friends had died or been left crippled. Where her son had died. He had only been seventeen.

Lily wobbled, then managed to drag herself back to her bed. She collapsed into it to curl in a tight ball, painful tears pooling from her eyes and dripping down her face.

Her son. He had only been seventeen. And he had suffered so much.

And she...she had never fully grown up. Never even passed her twenty-sixth birthday. She'd never had time to do much of anything with her life. None of them had. Oh, they'd joined Dumbledore in the fight, and James had been an Auror, but there was so much none of them had accomplished. So many dreams unrealized.

She sobbed and sobbed until she had no more tears left and her eyes were sore and puffy. It was only then, lying in a half-exhausted but calmer state, that she began to think.

She couldn't let it happen. She couldn't. That had been her last decision before awakening in her bed in the here and now. She couldn't let that future come to pass.

And she could stop it. As little as she'd done in that other timeline, she had the power to change the future, to prevent all that had happened. She even knew how.

Severus. Her thoughts went to the dark-haired boy she'd known since she was eight, then to the dark-haired man from her fragmented memories. The Severus of that future was a bitter, lonely man, twisted and angry and hurting. From what she could recall, his life and his death had been cruel.

It was all too easy to see the adult Severus of that future in the boy who'd called her 'Mudblood' yesterday. But if she wanted to change the future, she would have to change that.

The entities, higher powers or whatever they were, that had sent her back had been very clear. Severus was the lynchpin on which the future turned. And she...she was the lynchpin upon which Severus turned.

He loved her. She had wondered throughout the years, ever since she'd first entered adolescence, if Severus might like her. He was certainly jealous enough of James, and the way Potter continually sought her attention. But he had never said that he fancied her.

Her older memories, the memories of the woman she might have been, brought fresh perspective to the situation. Her older mind could easily discern the signs that Severus had liked her, perhaps even loved her, for years. Whether it was romantic love or something else, she had no way of knowing. But he cared for her deeply.

His future self, the man he might have been, had loved her forever. His Patronus had been a doe, like hers. He had been a spy for her, fought to preserve her memory and her son, loved her to his dying breath.

She could use that to change the future for all of them.

She felt instantly ashamed at the thought. It sounded cruel, callous, even in her own head. Use Severus and his feelings for her, as if they were a tool. It seemed petty and manipulative. There was also every chance that he would realize she was using him, if she went about it thinking like that. And that would hurt him worse than their fight earlier had done. But even if he didn't sense it, or if he somehow forgave her for it, she would know. Just thinking about it made her feel faintly sick inside.

In that nebulous future, Severus had been used far too often, by Dumbledore and the Dark Lord.

Lily closed her eyes, thinking. The answer couldn't be in the future she had seen and come back from. Severus had been lost there.

She found herself remembering Severus as she had first met him. A skinny underfed boy in too-large clothes and unkempt hair, struggling to impress her. She had been insulted when he had called her a witch, and only later learned that it hadn't been an insult.

Severus had a quick temper, and he lashed out often, especially when his pride was threatened, or his privacy. Petunia had been the victim of more than one outburst, she recalled. But he had never lashed out at her, not before today.

What did she really know about Severus?

His home life was poor. She knew that. He rarely had money for even basic necessities, let alone school supplies or clothing. She blushed, remembering how she had insulted his underpants after his outburst. It had been a cruel jibe, especially when she, of all people, knew that Severus could barely afford the robes he wore, let alone new clothing. He was scrupulous about cleaning his clothes, but many of his things were so worn that they couldn't be made pristine or neat, not even with the help of House Elves. And in OWL week, he would have little magic or time to spare for cleaning and repairing charms.

She also knew his parents fought frequently. Almost every day. Severus pretended indifference, but she doubted he was nearly has complacent as he tried to seem. His determination to get into Slytherin to please his mother had proved that. His desperate drive to distinguish himself, his anger when he was taunted…

She knew, though she had never thought much about it, that he was neglected at best, abused and bullied at worst. Severus had never said anything, but she knew his father drank. Even if neither of his parents had ever laid a hand on him, which she doubted, he had grown up in a house of violence and cruel words and loneliness.

He had talked often about leaving his parents, and his eagerness to be away from them and find a fresh start. As much as they had both looked forward to receiving their letters, there had been a desperation to Severus that she'd never really registered before.

Only now, looking through the eyes of her elder self, did she see how Potter and Black had marred that fresh start before he even had a chance to truly begin, casting him once more into a world where he was abused, insulted, tormented through no fault of his own. Simply because he was there to torment.

And it was only now that she could see how Severus must struggle in Slytherin House. So many of his housemates had views similar to the purported leanings of the Dark Lord and his Death Eaters. Views about blood purity. Severus had no money to make his life more comfortable, and anyone who knew the Wizarding world would doubtless know instantly that Snape was not a wizard name. His surname would mark him as muggleborn or a half-blood. She thought of all the things she hadn't known about the wizarding world, even with Severus's help, and wondered how much he'd discovered he was adrift, raised in the muggle world. Perhaps his mother's family name might help, but she didn't know for certain, and she certainly had no idea where Severus's mother might have fit in to wizarding society.

He had always tried so hard to hold himself aloof from the world, but by now his dreams, the fantasy realm they had spent their childhood eagerly dreaming of, must surely be ashes to him.

Perhaps all he had were his drive to survive and achieve, his will to remain unbroken.

And her.

Lily bit her lip. After her cruel words this afternoon and her even harsher ones at the entrance to the Tower later, it would be hard to mend things with Severus. He would be hurt and suspicious. And she had her own hurts and concerns to work through. A part of her mind was still the young girl who had been shunned for trying to help her friend, who had been teased for being friends with the 'slimy Slytherin' and 'junior Death Eater'. A part of her was still embarrassed about what had happened earlier in the day.

A part of her was the woman who had watched so many loved ones suffer and die. It was hard to live with, but she'd have to figure out how to manage her new-old memories.

It was tempting. Tempting to leave it all alone. Tempting to wait until summer, away from the pressures of the school and Houses and friends and teachers. At home, she would have more time to sort things out in her own head, more time to plan.

But that wouldn't be fair to Severus. Besides, by then it might be too late. What if Severus accepted an overture from one of his Slytherin friends? They were already circling him, seeking to recruit him into the Dark Lord's company. He was a genius with both spells and potions, everyone knew that, though she doubted most knew the full extent of his skill. He had only ever shared that with her. But even so, the talent he showed was enough to peak the interest of the Dark Lord's followers. And as he was, Severus was a ready target.

Hadn't she been talking to him, just a month ago, about his growing camaraderie with people like Wilkes and Avery and Rosier? And about the things they did? Avery in particular was cruel.

But if they were willing to protect him, offer him a place of safety and belonging, a place to be recognized….

She could see the trap laid out, waiting for him. She hadn't before, but the memories of her older future-past self left the pattern horribly clear. Along with the knowledge that she would be the one to help him take those final steps. Unknowingly, unwittingly, but she would.

It would be hard, but she would have to forgive Severus.

She remembered the boy who had flushed when she complimented him. The shy boy who had whispered 'blood doesn't matter' and shared stories under the willow tree with her. Stories and little magics, like the unfurling of a flower or a brief flight on the wind.

She would have to do more than forgive Severus. Somehow, she would have to find a way to bring that boy back. Bring him back and keep him safe.

 ** _Author's Note:_** _It insisted. I was reading a 'Severus returns' story, and had the thought 'What if Lily was the one who went back?' The Lily who escorted Harry to the confrontation with Voldemort. And it just went from there. So...here we go._


	2. Chapter 2: First Steps

**Chapter Two: First Steps**

Lily managed a few moments of uneasy sleep after she finished crying, but by the time dawn came she knew any further rest was a lost cause. Instead, she rose and dressed, getting ready for the day. She had two more OWL's, History and Ancient Runes. A part of her wanted to find a quiet corner to study, but she had other, more pressing concerns to manage first. In particular, one thought dominated her mind.

She needed to speak to Severus.

She glanced out the window of Gryffindor Tower. It was early, but Severus had always been an early riser. A glance at the clock indicated that curfew would have lifted a half-hour before. There was a chance that Severus would be in the library, doing last minute revisions. After all, he had the same OWL's she did.

Lily gathered her books, then made her way through the quiet corridors to the library. There were few students about. Most slept in when they could. Only the Ravenclaws were likely to be up studying, and they usually remained in their Tower which, rumor had it, had it's own library.

There was no one visible in the library, not even the gruff librarian, when she entered. Lily still kept her steps quiet as she made her way between the shelves, seeking out the isolated corner in the back where she and Severus had often studied together, before House loyalties and other concerns had begun to drive them apart.

Luck was with her. She rounded the last set of shelves to spot a familiar lanky figure hunched in the corner chair, a stack of books at his elbow.

Severus wasn't studying. Instead, he looked to be brooding, dark hair hiding his expression and his face turned towards the window, staring out at the distant lake. Out at the tree where he had been humiliated the day before. Lily felt her heart clench.

If she hadn't come back, he'd have been alone….

She cleared her throat carefully and Severus spun around, defensive and on guard, hair whipping around his face. He spotted her but didn't relax, instead looking more wary than ever. "Lily."

"Hey." She stepped closer. "Can we...I was hoping we could talk." She kept her voice low, calm, not wanting to rile him.

"I thought you didn't want to speak with me." Severus scowled. Before, she might have been put off by his expression, but now she could see the hurt that lay underneath his glower.

"I know. I changed my mind." She moved a careful step closer. "Severus?"

He turned away from her, shoulders hunching. Lily waited. Finally, words emerged. "Are you still angry with me?" The question wavered, his tone somewhere between tentative and sullen.

"A bit. But not the way you think." She owed him honesty.

"That's no answer." Severus's voice transformed into a rough snarl. "Either you are or you aren't, but say what you mean."

She squashed the urge to raise her voice to him, knowing it would only make him more defensive. "I did say what I meant, Severus Snape. I am still a bit angry with you, but it's probably not the way you're thinking it is." In spite of her efforts, her tone was sharp, and Severus flinched.

Awkward silence fell. Lily exhaled, reminding herself that Severus was defensive and prickly by nature, had most likely been brooding about yesterday, and was probably still stinging from the words that had passed between them. She would have to be the adult in this situation, be patient with him.

She exhaled again, forcing herself to calm down. "I didn't come here to row with you, Sev." The nickname she hadn't used in years made him twitch, but she hoped it would convey her sincerity and make him relax. "I truly did come here just to speak with you. So...can we talk or not? Without fighting, I mean."

Severus didn't answer, but after a moment his shoulders relaxed a fraction, and he gestured. The chair across from him slid out with a near-silent scrape of wood on stone.

Lily smiled. Severus had always been interested in wandless and wordless magic. "You've been practicing."

Severus relaxed a fraction further, slumping towards the table. His head ducked, long hair hiding his expression. "Yeah. I have."

"Did you get a chance to show the examiners?"

Another shift of his shoulders. "I did, a bit. I'm not as good with Charms as I am with Defense...but I did a silent Lumos in the exam." There was a bit of pride in his voice. Then he shifted, and his tone went low and frustrated. "I can't do it with Transfiguration though."

"It's still impressive, what you've managed so far. I mean, we're only Fifth Years!" She grinned at him, watching him relax under her praise. "I'll bet you get extra marks for it. In fact, I'm sure that if you did any non-verbal magic at all, you'll get an O. That'll guarantee you three, right?"

"Maybe. I hope…." His words died away. He seemed to suddenly be struggling. Then the words burst out of him. "Lily, yesterday, I truly...I didn't mean…I really didn't..." He bit his words off, but the dark eyes that finally rose to meet hers were anguished. "I didn't mean it." The last words were a whisper.

"I know. I wanted to talk to you about that." Lily set her books to the side. "Actually, the reason I came to the library...I was looking for you. To talk about yesterday, and last night."

Severus winced and hunched away from her. "Well, go on then."

Lily took a deep breath. "I wanted to apologize."

"You...what?" Severus jerked his head up to stare at her, a rare expression of amazement on his thin face.

"I wanted to apologize." Lily swallowed. "Yesterday...I was hurt when you called me that word, but I didn't have to join in with that toerag Potter. As much as I've laid into him about calling you names like that, I ought not to have started calling you...those words, either. And what I said about your clothes was just cruel. I mean, I know no one else really knows, but I know what life is like for you during hols…."

"Don't." Severus shook his head. "I don't want to..."

"Sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up here." She knew he was sensitive about his home life. And about any mention of it in school, where someone might overhear. Particularly if there was even the remotest chance that Potter might overhear.

Severus relaxed a fraction, and she took that as an invitation to continue. "And last night. I know you meant it, when you apologized. I shouldn't have brushed you off like that. Not after the trouble you went to." To say nothing of the trouble he'd have been in, if the Marauders had caught him, or the teachers after curfew. Or even if Peeves had been of a mind to prank him. "I am concerned, but I should have at least heard you out."

"Concerned?" His eyes widened.

"About a lot of things, Sev." She reached out and touched one thin hand with her own.

So thin. She'd never really noticed how Severus always seemed to be verging on gaunt, even during the school year.

"What is it Lily?" the dark eyes fixed on her, concerned and hopeful and painfully uncertain.

She bit her lip, wondering how to respond, how to phrase it in a way that wouldn't upset him and make him withdraw again. "Sev, I know, being Slytherin and all, you do have to spend time with your year-mates and your housemates. With people like Avery and Rosier and Wilkes. But...the things they do...some of them at least...do you really like doing those things, hurting people? Calling people those foul terms?"

Severus looked away. "I don't." The words were mumbled, but at least audible. "But, Lily, you have to understand...they think it's jokes, just harmless fun, and anyway, I can't...and they're no worse than Potter." He spat the last word.

"That might be true, but do you really want James 'Toerag' Potter to be your standard for good behavior? Or any of the Marauders for that matter?" She fixed him with what she hoped would be a stern look rather than an accusing one.

Severus glanced at her, then flushed a dull red. "Well, no, but...Lily..." He struggled with words, then closed his mouth and looked away.

She sighed. "I know you have to live with them, Sev, and I know you can't antagonize them too much. I'm just asking you to think about it. That's all. Think about if that's the kind of person you want to become. Do you really want to be like Avery? Or like Potter?" She lowered her voice. "Or like...him? Your...?" She left the word unspoken, knowing he would understand.

Severus jerked, staring at her. "I'd never!" His voice was rough with loathing and anger, and a little hurt. He yanked his hand away, folding in on himself.

"I know you wouldn't mean to." Lily kept her voice low and reasonable. "But you didn't mean to call me Mudblood yesterday either. At least, that's what you said."

Severus flinched. "I didn't. I swear I didn't."

"I believe you. But do you see what I mean, Sev?" She kept her gaze locked on his face.

"I...I guess." Severus slumped. "I hadn't thought of that. And it...it's hard, you know." He gestured vaguely.

Her heart went out to him. She almost came around the table to hug him. But that would be out of character for their current relationship, she knew, and she didn't want to startle him or make him suspicious. She just wanted to mend things. And, perhaps, to start him thinking in a different direction.

She steeled herself. "I know Sev, but there's something else." She waited until he looked at her. "You know what they...what Avery and the others think about people like me. And you know, you have to guess at least, that they know your name, and that you're a half-blood. And that they might make you prove yourself to them, if you really want to be friends and hang around with them."

Severus flushed again. "I...I do know. They've hinted at it." More than hinted, by the look on his face, but Lily didn't press the matter.

"In that case...what if they told you that in order to fit in, to get their friendship and protection, you had to hurt me?"

Severus jerked upright, his dark eyes wide and horrified. "I wouldn't! I...I could never…Lily, I could never…I wouldn't ever..."

"You wouldn't mean to. But you might anyway, if it were something like yesterday." She finished for him.

Severus's mouth snapped closed, his earlier flush disappearing as he paled, looking almost sick. "Lily...you can't believe that I'd...that I'd ever..."

"I don't think you'd do it on purpose Sev. But I think you might be forced into it, if things go the way they have been. Like you were yesterday. And I know you'd be sorry, but...sorry might not help enough next time."

Severus flinched. Lily watched him struggle. She longed to reach out to him, but she didn't quite dare. Severus needed to find his own way.

The great clock chimed, signaling the start of breakfast. Lily rose and gathered her books. Severus didn't move. In fact, he still looked stunned and rather sick. On impulse, Lily came around the table to put a gentle hand on his shoulder.

Severus looked up, turmoil in his eyes, and Lily felt her heart break a little for him. She offered him a sad, soft smile. "I want to help you, Sev. I know I can, but you have to let me. I can't do anything if you won't let me. Please think about it. I know...there are a lot of things, but please, think about what I've said. And come find me when you've an answer."

She didn't give him a chance to respond. Instead, she gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze, then left.

 *****SS*****

Severus heard the bell sound for breakfast, but he couldn't have moved even if he wanted to. Not even a Petrificus Totalis could have frozen him in place more completely than the feel of Lily's hand on his shoulder.

He'd thought after last night that she'd have nothing to do with him. He'd thought their friendship was finished, and any hope he'd ever had of anything more was lost forever.

He'd been mourning that loss, trying to think of some way to mend things when she'd interrupted his thinking.

The conversation that had followed that still shook him. Lily had apologized to him, for the first time he could remember. She'd apologized for what she'd said. He hadn't expected that. After all, she'd made it clear last night that she didn't think he was worth associating with any more.

Lily's behavior confused him. Her adamant dismissal of the night before and her gentle soothing of this morning contrasted too much. Besides...when had she ever understood his struggles in Slytherin House? Ever since Third Year, she'd had only negative things to say about his association with people like Wilkes and Avery and Rosier. Why was she suddenly so understanding? So accepting?

Not that she'd been exactly complimentary of his housemates. But at least she hadn't given him another lecture over them. As if he could help hanging around them, when they were his housemates and his year mates. Alienating them would only make his life harder than it already was. For now, his dorm-mates respected his intelligence and his skills enough to leave him alone in the common room, or even sometimes to trade him favors for tutoring. But if he antagonized them too much, that would disappear faster than a burned out Ashwinder.

Still...he couldn't suppress the shudder that moved through him when he thought of the questions Lily had raised. What would he do if one of his housemates told him to hurt Lily in order to prove himself? They'd already made remarks about his friendship with Lily, and pointed comments about how he'd be better off without her. He'd only kept them at bay by highlighting his rivalry with Potter, and making it clear that possession of Lily's attention was another point in the feud. Which had allowed him to keep his friendship with Lily, but had also cost him the protection of housemates who thought that he should fight his own battles if he was so determined.

He forced his mind back to the questions Lily had raised. He certainly didn't want to be compared to Potter in any way, and certainly not in a less complimentary fashion. He'd rather be compared to a troll. And hurting Lily was out of the question. Bad enough he'd insulted her yesterday, though he had the excuse of being under extreme duress. There was no way he would be willing to hurt her. But she was right, he'd be in trouble among his housemates for sure if he refused a challenge like that. Not even his rivalry with Potter, and his desire to 'win' Lily would protect him if they thought he was disloyal to their ideals.

Which left Lily, and her nebulous offer of 'help'.

He was suspicious of it. Her change in behavior had been too sudden, her attitude this morning far too understanding. He didn't entirely trust that it wasn't a trick. If it had been anyone but Lily, he would have spat on their offer and turned them away, if he hadn't hexed them first for daring to insult his pride. He wasn't sure he shouldn't do the same thing now.

But it was Lily, and he didn't want to lose her. It seemed ridiculous to feel that way, after the events of the day before but still, it was true. He didn't want to lose Lily's friendship.

And for all his hurt, and all his angry pride, he was curious. After all this time, how did she possibly think she could help him? What would she do?

Lily was the only one who knew where he lived. Who knew about his parents, about his situation. He'd sworn never to tell anyone else, even if most of Slytherin House knew who his mother was, and that she'd disgraced herself marrying his father. He'd sworn they'd never know anything else about him, which was why he'd taken the nickname 'Half-Blood Prince'. Lily was right that there was no hiding his parentage, but he'd done as much as he could to minimize it's impact in his dorms.

But it wasn't enough, and he knew it. His nickname couldn't hide the condition of his patched and too-short robes. His brilliance in Potions and spell-work couldn't make up for the fact that his books were all worn hand-me-downs in dubious condition.

The clock chimed again, signaling that breakfast was almost over. Severus considered trying to get to the Hall before the last of the food vanished, then dismissed the thought. It wasn't the first meal he had skipped, and it wouldn't be the last, most likely. Besides, he wasn't hungry, his stomach still knotted from the last twenty-four hours. And anyway, he could get something from the House Elves if he got hungry later.

In the meantime, he had more OWL's to get through, and Lily's offer to consider.

He shrugged, then picked up his Ancient Runes textbook. He had another hour before his exam. Ancient Runes were complex, but he enjoyed them. They were a welcome diversion from his confusion over Lily.

Severus put Lily's offer to the back of his mind, and bent over his textbook.

 _ **Author's Note:** So...Lily's made the first step. But it's not going to be easy..._


	3. Chapter 3: Tentative Beginnings

**Chapter Three: Tentative Beginnings**

Lily didn't see much of Severus over the next few days. She had her final OWLs, which were so mentally exhausting that she had no concentration to spare beforehand, and no energy after. Then there were the final days in the castle, the preparations for going home.

She didn't bother to seek Severus out. She had made her offer, and her apology. The next move was his to make. Besides, she knew Severus well enough to know that the hurt of their fight still lingered in him, as it did in her. She knew it would make him suspicious and cautious. Severus had always dealt with fights by retreating inside himself, and she expected now to be no different. He would come around, or he wouldn't. If he didn't, she'd have to find another way to reach him.

She had enough to do with working on her exams and the last of her schoolwork, preparing for summer assignments, and fending off Potter. James Potter had become convinced that her brief defection to his side had been a sign that she was falling for him at last. Aside from being uninterested, Lily was all too aware of how Severus would view any encouragement she gave Potter. He was far too sensitive and too angry at the moment to risk any behavior that might be misinterpreted.

Fortunately, she had another distraction to keep her occupied. The memories of the future she had returned from were confusing and conflicting. Everything felt so strange. There were things she knew, in terms of class work, that she knew she hadn't learned yet, stray bits of knowledge that came from her older self. There were memories and experiences that she hadn't had, and they made her dreams uneasy and her thoughts confused.

It made her feel odd in other ways too. She still only looked fifteen, but her mind was that of an older woman. It made it harder to relate to her dorm-mates, when they giggled about boys and makeup and robe styles, and whether or not there would be a dance at Hogwarts, and who they might want to go to Hogsmeade with. She passed off her inattention and awkwardness as exhaustion from the exams, but she knew it concerned her friends. Alice, in particular, seemed to be worried about her.

Alice, who in her older memories had married Frank Longbottom, had a child, then been tortured into insanity. The memories woke her more than once, and it was difficult to avoid slipping, or revealing what she had seen. It was difficult to look around her common room and see the faces of those who, in a different time and place had died.

Pettigrew, who had betrayed her and her family to their deaths. She wanted to curse him, to throw him out a tower window, but he hadn't committed a crime yet, unless one counted being an unregistered Animagus. He was still a boy who was nervous and shy and just wanted to impress his friends.

Sirius, who had gone to Azkaban for a crime he didn't commit, been driven mad, been hunted and harried until he died. The boy of her current association was careless and cruel, but she couldn't help pitying the man he had become, even as she wondered whether it would be better or worse to spare him that fate. Without Azkaban, would he mature or grow worse? She had no idea.

Remus, who had married and been killed only a year later, after the birth of his son. Gentle Remus, who deserved better than he had endured in that other time-line.

There were others. Many others. Most of her classmates, in fact. Even teachers gave her trouble, as she struggled to reconcile her teenage perceptions and her older memories. The childish part of her still looked up to Dumbledore as the venerable Headmaster and a wise mentor. Her older self saw his failings all too clearly.

Still, she could hardly tell anyone. She settled for putting silencing spells around her bed to prevent anyone from hearing her talk in her sleep, and concentrating on school and summer plans during her waking hours.

The morning of their departure, an owl landed on her plate just as she finished breakfast. It was a plain brown, utterly nondescript school owl. She untied the message to find a short note, written in familiar neat handwriting.

'Please meet me by our willow tree tomorrow morning. I'd like to talk with you.'

There was no signature, but she didn't need one. There was only one person who could have written the note.

She turned, but Severus wasn't at the Slytherin table. And the owl had flown off as soon as she'd untied the message, so he clearly hadn't expected a reply.

It didn't matter. She rolled up the note and stuffed it in her pocket, then hurried to finish the last of her pumpkin juice. Severus had made his move.

 *****SS*****

Lily hoped to see Severus before they boarded the Express, but she had no luck on that score. Not only did she have her last-minute Prefect duties to attend to, but Severus seemed to be avoiding her. Or perhaps he was simply avoiding drawing attention to himself.

The Express was far too crowded to even consider looking for him, so she contented herself with chattering to her friends about summer plans, and playing a few games of Exploding Snap.

She did look for Severus when they disembarked, but he wasn't on the platform. After a few minutes of searching, she gave up and went through the portal into King's Cross Station.

Her parents were there, as they'd been every year. Remembering that other time-line, where they'd died shortly after her graduation, she couldn't help hugging them a little tighter and longer than usual. "Mom. Dad."

"Lily. Sweetheart. It's good to have you home." Her father's voice was a deep, reassuring rumble in her ear.

"Indeed it is. Welcome home darling." Her mother's voice was a soothing murmur of sound, reminiscent of a thousand nights of bedtime stories, and a thousand greetings.

"It's good to be home. I missed you." She squeezed them again, then reluctantly let go, looking around the platform.

Petunia wasn't there. She wasn't surprised. Her older sister had a social life of her own, and her own interests, and she'd been outspoken against Lily's attendance at Hogwarts for years. But still, it stung just a little. Even remembering the woman her sister had become in that other time couldn't change that.

Her father's gentle hand on her cheek pulled her attention back. Both parents were studying her with concerned expressions. "You all right, sweetheart?"

"You look a little pale. Have you been getting enough sleep?" Her mother, Iris, frowned, stroking her hair back from her face.

"I..." She couldn't lie to her parents, so settled for misdirection. "A lot happened, I guess. We had OWL tests this year. They were...challenging."

"I'm sure you did well." Her father, Harold, pulled her into a quick hug.

"I hope so. But I was so nervous, I guess I didn't sleep much." She brushed her hair back. "I really wanted to do well."

"Well, let's get you to the car, and you can tell us all about it on the drive home." Her father grabbed her trolley, and the three of them made their way to the car.

Lily's parents were quiet as they pulled out of the station. Once they were on the main road, however, Iris swiveled around. "So? Did anything else interesting happen?"

"Well, the classes were interesting. I learned a lot. And being a Prefect is...it's challenging. I guess I didn't realize before how much responsibility there is to being a leader, or running the school. Enforcing rules, doing patrols after curfew, helping the younger students...it's a lot more work than I expected."

"Did you enjoy it?"

"I...sort of. I'm not sure. I don't know that I'd want to be a teacher." She sighed.

"Well, you're young yet. And you still have two more years of schooling to decide."

"I know. It's just...it's kind of overwhelming. They were already asking us about what sort of careers we want, to help us determine our classes for Sixth Year. I said I wanted to be a teacher, or maybe a Healer…."

"Those both sound like excellent choices." Harold bobbed his head approvingly. "You're certainly smart enough for either career."

Iris studied her face. "Was there something else, Lily?"

She considered a moment. The older part of her mind was making plans, but a part of her was all too aware that she was only sixteen. And she was just one person.

She sighed, slumping against the seat. "It's...do you remember Sev?"

"Severus Snape, the boy from down in Spinner's End?" Iris blinked, and in the mirror she saw Harold raise an eyebrow. "The one who first told you about magic?"

"Yes."

"Of course. I knew you were friends with him. I thought you never invited him over because Petunia wasn't fond of him." Harold's voice was thoughtful. "I didn't know you'd kept up with the lad. I don't think you've mentioned him much these last two years."

Lily flushed. She hadn't talked about, or with, Severus much since Third Year. "I...we're in different Houses at school, and his group has a bit of a rivalry with mine. He's Slytherin, and they have a sort of feud with the Gryffindors. There are three boys in our year who really like to pick on him."

"That sounds unpleasant. Have they been causing you trouble?"

"No. But because of it...Severus and I kind of drifted apart. His housemates are a bit...well, some of them are a bit nasty." She grimaced. "I thought Sev might be starting to be like them, hang around them a bit much, but..." She swallowed.

It was hard to admit to what she'd done. She knew her parents wouldn't approve of it. But if she wanted their help, she had to admit her own failings. "During exams, after our Defense written, those boys started picking on him again. The ones from my House. They were really cruel. They humiliated him. I tried to help him, but he got angry and called me a really insulting term. I was angry and insulted him back."

Harold frowned. "Well, I can't say as I approve of his behavior, but we raised you better than that."

"I know. I was just so frustrated and angry. But...Severus did apologize that evening. Only, I told him that I couldn't accept his apology, and that we shouldn't be friends any more if he was going to hang around those cruel boys from his house." She bit her lip.

"Lily. That isn't how we raised you." Iris's rebuke was quiet, but stinging. "I understand you were angry and hurt by Severus being rude to you when you were trying to help, but if he sincerely apologized..."

"I know. I thought about it later. After I calmed down. I started thinking about Severus, and I realized…." She paused, uncertain how to say what she was thinking in a way that wouldn't reveal too much.

"Realize what, sweetheart?" Her mother's voice was coaxing, gentle now, and somehow it helped.

"I realized...Sev never really has money for new things. Those boys were teasing him about his clothes, but I know he takes care of them. But he usually...when we met him in Diagon Alley, remember how careful he was?"

"I do. He said it was because he was using a lot of his mother's old things." Iris nodded.

"He does. But I know his clothes are pretty worn. And he used to talk about his parents...he said they fought a lot. And he's always really thin, and really wary and on his guard. He's prickly and he's sarcastic, and he can be really vicious, but...I can't help thinking..."

"Thinking that his home life is less than ideal?" Her father finished quietly.

"Yes. And when I thought about it...a lot of the people in his House at Hogwarts are kind of snobs. They can be very mean. And very particular about family trees, and money, and inheritances and that sort of thing. I know Severus tries, but...once I started thinking about it, I'm almost sure that things aren't easy for him in his dorms at school. And I thought...he might not mean to be nasty and rude. He might just be...protecting himself, from the boys in his dorms. Especially since he gets targeted by other students so often outside his dorms."

"I see. Do you think it excuses his behavior then?"

"No. It doesn't. It's just...I thought about how I'd feel, if I were in his shoes. And I...I don't feel right. I feel like I want to help him. I know I have to be careful, because he has his pride and he's very stubborn, but I still feel like...it isn't fair. He should at least have a chance. Everyone else seems to get one. Sev should too."

"That's a very mature attitude to take." Harold smiled at her. "What were you planning to do?"

"I don't know. I'm supposed to meet him tomorrow." Lily sighed.

"Well, let us know if you need anything." Iris spoke. "But remember Lily, it isn't your job to fix everything for everyone, so don't push too hard."

"I won't." Lily nodded her agreement, but she couldn't help the words that trickled through her mind.

 _I wish it were true. But it_ _ **is**_ _my job to save everyone. Especially Severus._

 *****SS*****

Lily left her house early the next morning. Her sleep had been restless and unhappy, and she was only too glad to leave it behind.

Petunia had been home when they arrived, and seeing her sister's pale, pinched expression had reminded Lily, once again, of the future in her memories. Her sister, bitter and determined to ignore anything 'abnormal'. The sister who had so mistreated her son. It made her want to scream at her sister and hug her all at once. She'd settled for a cheerful, friendly greeting, which Petunia had returned with a sniff.

The rest of the evening had been…awkward. She'd ended up pleading tiredness and going to bed early, only to spend hours staring at different things in her room, remembering and trying to remember what had become of them.

Her parents had passed away in her final year of school. A car accident. Petunia had managed the estate, and she'd come home to find herself mostly unwelcome, and many of her things sold. She'd stayed awake for over an hour wondering if there was a way to prevent that from happening this time around. Ideally, she could prevent the deaths of her parents completely, but she'd like to at least prevent her entire childhood from being dismantled while she was away.

With an effort, she turned her thoughts from that, and towards her upcoming meeting with Severus. Her stomach felt tight with anticipation, and also with nerves.

What if he only wanted to tell her that he didn't need her help? And how could she help him anyway, really? Despite her memories and the feeling that she was older, physically she was only just 16, same as he. Not an adult in any society. Nor was she the pure-blood wife she had become, with wealth and a name on her side. And she certainly didn't have the 'Mother of the Boy-Who-Lived' title.

She'd just have to see what Severus said, and try to do what she could. Hopefully, she'd be able to sort something out.

Severus was waiting at the tree when she arrived, a long lanky shadow lounging against the trunk and partially hidden by the fronds. He stood up straight when he saw her, painful hope and wariness in his eyes.

He'd evidently gone home, because he was wearing a threadbare jacket, too-short trousers, and a patched and faded shirt, along with scuffed shoes that had seen better days, possibly better decades. Severus wore robes when he could, but not at home, she knew.

He blinked when she came to stand beside him. "Lily."

"Severus." She smiled at him. "Good morning."

"Morning." He blinked again. "I...wasn't sure you'd come."

"Well, that makes two of us. I wasn't sure you wouldn't change your mind either." Lily dropped to sit with her back to the tree, making herself comfortable. After a moment, Severus copied her, though he still looked wary.

There was silence, awkward and uncomfortable and foreign, between them before Severus swallowed hard and muttered. "You said...you said you'd help me."

"I meant it."

"Maybe. But unless you've got some plan to send my old man away and turn the Marauders into decent human beings, I don't know what you could do." Severus plucked at the grass at his feet.

"I don't know either. But..." She reached out and took his hand, stopping his nervous motions. "Why don't we start with a simple question. If you could name one thing you wanted above everything else out of life, what would it be?"

She was almost afraid the answer would be her name, and she wasn't sure she could promise that. Severus did look at her sideways, emotions flashing in his dark eyes, but when he answered, it was with something different. "Respect." He colored and tugged his hand away, folding up into a defensive curl. "I want respect."

She nodded. She could understand that. And she could see his logic too. The next question was more dangerous, but had to be asked. "And...do you get that with...with Mulciber and Avery and...well, that group?" If he felt he did, this was going to be harder than she thought.

Severus tensed, looking away from her. After a moment he replied. "They respect my skills in Potions. And some with spells, and Defense."

"Okay." Severus looked at her, obviously startled by her acceptance of that. In truth, without her past-life/future memories, she wouldn't have accepted it as an answer. But she understood many things better than she had, her first time around. "You do know though...respecting your abilities...it isn't necessarily the same as respecting you as a person, Sev."

It wasn't a distinction she would have thought much about, or necessarily understood, the first time she'd been sixteen. She wasn't sure Severus would understand it now. But it needed to be understood, if they were going to get anywhere.

Severus scowled. "Of course I know that, the way Rosier goes on about me, especially when he thinks I can't hear him. But I've got to take what I can get, don't I?" He hunched against the tree, hands clenched into fists at his sides. "I'm not..." He clamped his mouth shut on the words, looking at her with wary, nervous eyes.

"Not what?" He looked away, and she reached out to touch his shoulder and pull him back around. "Not what, Sev?"

"I'm not like you!" The words exploded out of him, and then he was scrambling to his feet, twisted away from her, though he didn't leave. A shiver went through him, and one hand clenched tight on the gnarled bark. "Not like you, not like Potter, not like..."

She stood then, and circled around in front of him. The teenage part of her mind was angry, irritated that she was trying to help and he was behaving this way, as if he resented her. But the older, wiser part of her mind thought she understood. She forced herself to remain calm. "What do you mean by that? Not like me...how so?"

"I'm not!" His face twisted. "You...you've got money for new things, you look good...you make friends so easily, and everyone likes you...you know how to talk to people, and you're not always scrimping after every knut...and your parents actually care what happens to you..." He swallowed hard. "I came home, they fought. I was in my room for an hour, through dinner, and they never noticed. I left, they probably won't realize I did until I come back, if then. And _he'll_ only notice if he wants someone else to yell at or shove about. And you've no idea what it's like...you say you'll help, but in the end, you're like Potter...you don't know...you can't know…what it's like..." He trailed off, his chest heaving, expression twisted with a mix of rage and frustration and hurt.

"You mean, I don't know what it's like to be poor, and neglected, or abused?"

Severus jerked as if she'd hit him. "I'm not..."

"You just said your father would only notice you if he wanted someone to hit or yell at. How's that not?" She almost called it abuse again, but she could see from his wild-eyed expression that he would likely bolt if she did.

Severus shook his head again, lank hair whipping about to hide his face. She considered, then abandoned that line of thought. If things went well, there might be time to revisit the question of how his father treated him later.

Instead, she turned her focus to the other things he'd said, and the way he'd said them. "Sev, I can't help that my family's different from yours. But...you sound like you hate me for that. The same way Petunia hates me for being a witch when she's not. Is that right? You resent me for that?"

"No! I'd never hate you…" He jerked his gaze up to meet hers. "I'd never!" Then he swallowed and looked away, a dull flush creeping over his skin. "It's just..." His shoulders hunched again.

"Just what?"

He hunched in on himself, wrapping his arms around his torso. "Just...Potter...he fancies you, you know that. And he's...he's like you. Good family and all. Not a Spinner's End brat like me. Smart and good at sports and popular, well-off...And I see it, all the time...and I'll never be like that. Only, Wilkes and Mulciber and the others. They respect things I can do. I might just be a...a half-blood nobody otherwise to them, but I'm good with Potions, and with spells, and I can do things that they've never seen, and...it has to be enough, don't you see? I have to believe it's enough. No one else gives a bloody shite what I do or if I even exist, so..."

"So you want to be a Death Eater? Sign up to work for the Dark Lord?"

He looked at her with dark, painful eyes. "What else am I supposed to do? Potter and his friends have made bloody well sure I'm a pariah outside of Slytherin House. Ever since the train, I've been Snivellus, convenient target. And after what happened end of last term..." Bitterness washed through his tone. "Think anyone will ever see me as anything other than 'the greasy git James Potter pantsed'? Marauder-fodder?" His lip twisted. "As Snivellus? Snivellus Snape with his worn out, dirty pants...that's all they'll see, unless I can make them see me differently. And so far, Mulciber's crowd is the only one where I've any chance." Hard rage mixed with pain in his eyes as he looked at her. "You might not like them or what they do, Lily, and maybe you're right...but sometimes…sometimes the only way to...to stop things...is to fight back. To be worse. Some people only understand violence. And for some of us, it's the only way to get ahead."

His jaw snapped shut, clenching on the end of his words. Dark eyes glared at her defiantly. She knew what he was waiting for. Condemnation. Accusations. The arguments and reactions she'd have given him the first time, if they'd had this conversation when she'd been sixteen in mind as well as body.

Back then, the first time, she hadn't understood. And she wouldn't have even with his attempt at explaining. He was right. Their lives were too different. She wasn't going to excuse the things he'd done, now or in the future she hoped to prevent, but she did understand.

She'd seen her son, her Harry, face some of the same pressures. And in his way, he'd done the same thing Severus had. Found an enemy to fight back against. Followed the lead of his friends, set himself against those he viewed as rivals and oppressors. It was pure chance that his enemy had been Voldemort, his friends good-hearted and decent. It could have been different.

For that matter, hadn't she done some of the same? She'd joined in the taunting, after all. And she'd refused his apology, even knowing he was sincere, on grounds that they'd 'chosen their paths'.

She came out of her thoughts to see Severus watching her still, half-frightened and half-defiant. She considered her options carefully, then reached out and slowly took his hand. He tensed and started, but didn't pull away.

"Sev…I guess...you're right. I don't understand. But...if I wanted to try and show you a different way, would you try? Would you listen? Because I...I want to believe that it doesn't have to be this way. Not for you. I don't want to lose you as a friend, and I'm afraid I will if things keep on like this. So...if I could show you another option, would you be willing to try?"

Severus blinked at her, confusion replacing his defiance. He swallowed hard, then spoke. "I don't want to lose you as a friend either." He exhaled, all the tension draining out of his frame. "Don't know what good it'll do, but if you've an idea, I'll give it a try, I suppose. But...don't fault me if it doesn't work." His glance was pleading.

"If you really try to make it work, I won't."

Severus sighed, then sank back to the ground. "All right. What's your idea then?"

Lily pursed her lips. "I'm not sure. I need to talk to my parents. That's all right, isn't it? I won't give them details, not if you don't want me to, but...they are adults. They understand more. They have more resources."

Severus huffed, his expression twisting into a sneer before he shook it away. "If you must, I suppose. Can't hurt. Not like they could think worse of me, if they've heard anything from Petunia." He made a self-deprecating gesture to his clothes.

Lily smiled. "They don't actually think badly of you at all. They just know you and Petunia don't get on, and they're not sure...they do have eyes and ears, so they've guessed a bit of what your family is like, but they wouldn't want to put you on the spot by asking, and they don't want to push too hard. I told them about end of term..." She saw his face and added hastily, "...not the details, just that you'd been attacked and embarrassed, and that I thought it was unfair, and they were actually...well, dad was a bit vexed at me for joining in with Potter. I think...I think they'll give you a fair shake. For courtesy if nothing else."

"If you say so." Severus didn't look convinced. She let the matter drop, knowing he wouldn't be until he'd actually seen the evidence with his own eyes.

They sat in silence for several minutes, relaxing in the shade of the tree and each others company. It was a little awkward, with everything that hung in the air between them, but at least the rift in their friendship seemed to have been mended. Lily found herself watching Severus, who was watching the willow fronds wave in the sunlight.

Gradually, he relaxed, sinking into the curve of the tree, He tilted his head back, letting the dark curtain of his hair fall away from his eyes. Ever so slowly, the tension drained from his shoulders and back, his arms settled loosely on his knees, and his face smoothed out, losing the wary guardedness that was his habitual expression. His eyes closed and the lines faded, leaving him looking younger and more open than she could remember seeing him in a long time.

Not since before Hogwarts, since they'd played under the willow tree and he'd told her stories of the wizarding world before their letters. And only rarely then. She'd never thought about it, but he hardly ever smiled. Sneered, yes. Or smirked. But a genuine smile, and a genuine laugh...Severus wasn't unguarded enough for those very often. Only a handful of times since they'd first met.

It was sad. She tried to imagine the kind of life that could lead to such constant tension and wariness, and couldn't. Even when she and Petunia were at their worst, even when the feuding in Hogwarts was really bad, she could find respite, in her rooms or the library, or with her parents when they were home. Or just by going out for a walk.

She needed to get back home, to talk to her parents, to figure out a plan, but she was reluctant to leave without telling him, and equally reluctant to disturb the fragile moment of peace he'd managed to capture. She wondered if he was sleeping, or meditating or just relaxing.

Her conundrum was solved when Severus opened his eyes, blinking, and spotted her. Immediate awareness, tinged with embarrassment, flooded his face. "Lily..." He colored. "I'm sorry...I..."

"It's fine." She stopped his words with a hand on his arm. "It's all right Severus. I could tell earlier you were tired." She offered him a smile. "I'm actually glad. I was worried, with everything..." She paused. "I'm just glad you're comfortable enough to doze with me here. That's all." She stood then, brushing off her clothes. "I was thinking though, that I might be heading back home for breakfast. I want to talk to my parents as soon as possible." She turned to him. "You could come with me, if you wanted."

Severus shook his head, and remained seated. "No. I don't...I'd rather not. Not today. Besides...I've got to go back myself. Make sure..." He trailed off, shaking his head again. "You talk to your parents. I'll...I'll meet you here tomorrow, yeah?"

"Sure. Tomorrow morning." Lily nodded. She offered him another smile, which he returned as a crooked, uncertain half-grin, then turned and walked out into the morning sunlight, heading for home.

She'd gotten Severus to agree to try. Now all that remained was to sort out a plan.

Somehow, she rather suspected that securing Severus's agreement had been the easy part.

 _ **Author's Note:** Next time, a talk with the elder Evans, and things are set in motion. _


End file.
